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Lost

​I don’t know what to do, but I’m figuring it out. I can’t say that it’s not hard because it definitely is. I was just thinking the clock is ticking every day. I get closer to death every second even I just I’m finding a hard time figuring out what I want to do what I need to do what I can do to make things easier on myself for my son for both of us. If you’re reading this and you have any pointers, definitely don’t be afraid to share.
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Progression

​seems like day after day my eyes are opening a little more. My body is getting rid of some of the bad things I was doing to my body(alcohol & THC). Bad for ME anyway. I don’t knock anyone for what they do. But being a mom who doesn’t have it all together yet… I had to quit. COLD TURKEY. Ever since I stopped I’ve been thinking clearly and I haven’t been snapping as much. I’m also learning that I truly don’t like people. They make me nervous. But I tolerate them. It is what it is I guess. I’m just a creature on this planet tryn fight out just like everyone else. Hurt people hurt people and everyone has been hurt. I’d rather stay to myself and find out how to get more money. Momma bear and baby bear are hungry. Gotta get some honey. ♥️ I’m focused. 
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Sober

​Sooo… Earlier this month I decided to stop drinking alcohol and smoking. Today it hit me. So now it’s like… okay I’m back. Me. The real me. The ADHD me. The me that truly doesn’t like people. The me that’s not gonna hold back. The me that’s REALLY gonna figure this LIFE thing out. I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do. I’m still trying to learn things about myself. It’s hard. It’s hard as hell. I’m a mom. My child is very hyper so there’s that. I want to make sure that he’s getting the education he needs, the playtime he needs, the love he deserves, etc. It’s all hard but definitely possible. I’m tired. I’m worn out. I feel like all of my energy is gone. I’m just trying to figure it out. 
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FIVE A.M. THOUGHTS

​ 5am thoughts Sometimes I wonder if I’m even real. If any of this is ever real. Who are these people around me, and do they know something I don’t? Why does it seem like no matter what I do or how hard I work, everything just stays the same? At least that’s how it feels. All I want is to take care of my son and give him the space and education that he needs. I want him to be happy. I want him to have the life he deserves. I’m so scared. And the thing is… I don’t even know what I’m scared of. I just am. People make me nervous because I don’t know their intentions. And the way things are going out there in this world, ESPECIALLY for people the same color as me… I just fear for my son. I try to ignore that, but what else am I supposed to do? I don’t want to leave him in the care of people we don’t know. We all know how that goes. The stories on the news? Yeah, I’m not going for that. He’s 3 and has never been to daycare or school. EVER. Homeschooling is definitely my only opt...
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Thougts

  Trapped in the future. I long for the past. Only a feeling.     That never lasts.   Luxury, privilege, I’ve never had. Born with a curse they won’t understand.   They call me crazy when they get me mad. Provoking me, picking, until I get bad.   I just be chillin. I be laying back. Solo I don’t fuck with people like that!
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