FIVE A.M. THOUGHTS

​5am thoughts

Sometimes I wonder if I’m even real. If any of this is ever real. Who are these people around me, and do they know something I don’t? Why does it seem like no matter what I do or how hard I work, everything just stays the same? At least that’s how it feels.

All I want is to take care of my son and give him the space and education that he needs. I want him to be happy. I want him to have the life he deserves.

I’m so scared. And the thing is… I don’t even know what I’m scared of. I just am.

People make me nervous because I don’t know their intentions. And the way things are going out there in this world, ESPECIALLY for people the same color as me… I just fear for my son. I try to ignore that, but what else am I supposed to do?

I don’t want to leave him in the care of people we don’t know. We all know how that goes. The stories on the news? Yeah, I’m not going for that.

He’s 3 and has never been to daycare or school. EVER. Homeschooling is definitely my only option right now.

I just want my mind to be at peace. Like, what do I do? Or do I just keep doing what I’ve been doing and be patient?

I have so many unanswered questions. Most religious people would say pray. I try that. But who exactly am I praying to? What do I say?

I just try to do things through actions. Paying bills, getting money, teaching my son, taking care of him, repeat.

I don’t know. I just want things to get better.

I… I’m tired.